Every woman has had her eye on or dated the type of guy I'm talking about here. You are never really sure where you stand with him or what his interest level really is. Call him Mr. Flake, Mr. Player, Mr. Self Absorbed or Mr. Afraid of Commitment. Whatever his romantic style, it's just leaving you confused, frustrated and wondering what's really going on in his mind. So, let's spotlight the warning signs to look out for when a guy simply is not that into you or playing you.
The Physical Signs
He'll avoid eye contact, his body is positioned away from you, his arms are folded tightly over his chest, he does not encourage conversation or volunteers anything about himself. He maintains his distance.
The Emotional Signs
You've been dating for at least 6 months. He still can't say he loves you or wants to talk about his feelings in regards to you. If you have a guy who is constantly telling you that he does not love you, is not in love with you, is not sure how he feels and does not see a future with you after the 6 month mark, believe him. I feel that is a good marker of time for him to know where he sees this going and if he is developing strong feelings for you or loves you. When a guy is into you, he'll want to let you know how he feels when he is sure that you feel the same way. If he can't do that, start re-assessing what you are still doing with him.
He Ignores or Shows You Disrespect
If he is ignoring you or disrespects you by putting down your values, thoughts and ideas, he's just not interested in you or in a relationship with you. Don't waste your time on a guy who does that and focus your attention on a guy who focuses on you.
He Shoots Down Your Social Invitations
This should be a clear sign to about 99% of women out there that he's not interested in getting to know you better or pursuing anything further. Trust me ladies, the first time he declines your offer to hang out you could give him the benefit of the doubt. But when it's many times in a row, he's usually not that busy, he just doesn't want to see you and is trying to be nice about it. If a guy is interested, he'll be happy to schedule a rain check or follow up with an invitation of his own. He's never too busy to make time for someone he really wants to have in his life.
Mr. Player aka The Honeymooner
I call this guy the honeymooner because of how long things remain fabulous while dating this guy. The first few weeks or month is sheer bliss. This guy starts off real aggressive, hot and heavy. He can't see you often enough, calls all the time and declares his love for you early on. He's so romantic, thoughtful and attentive that you think you've hit the love jackpot and won. He woos you with promises of a happy future together, taking you to great hotspots, cooking you dinner, and being that great listener who wants to share your hopes and dreams. You think he seems too good to be true. Well, he is. This guy is a classic neophiliac. He loves the thrill of the chase, and is enamored with the novelty of you. Once that has worn off and he has gotten what he wants, he sets his sights on the next pretty girl. How to protect yourself from this guy? Don't fall for the lines and behavior right away. Take your time before investing your heart and proceed slowly. Make sure that he means what he says. And the best way to do that is to let time be your guide. Usually these guys don't want to put in the work to develop anything long term so you'll know in a short period of time if his words mean anything.
This one is characterized by constantly flaking out on you at the last minute. If a guy stands you up, blows you off or shows up late, he does not have respect for your time and plans. Bottom line, he does not respect you and does not care whether or not you are in his life.
Mr. Afraid of Commitment
You go on a great couple of dates, things are going wonderfully, you feel the chemistry, you click on so many different levels and then you never hear from him again. He's never able to discuss his feelings or freaks out and distances himself when you express how your feelings for him have grown. He's truly afraid of intimacy and what follows with it. So, you try not to pressure him and accept the flow of things because you think maybe if you give him time he'll come around and choose you. You may be involved with a guy who falls in this category for months or even years and whenever the subject of a future pops up, he asks you what's the rush, says he's not ready, he needs more time, etc. Whatever his excuse for not committing, it's tying you to a relationship that has hit a brick wall. It either moves forward or it does not. It's his right to stay in limbo but it's also your right not to have to wait around for him to commit. You can move on or at least date others in the interim until he does figure out what he wants. He may never figure it out or choose you but at least you aren't wasting good dating years on an emotionally stunted and unavailable guy. Some men just can't commit, are players, have fears of commitment due to bad past relationships, want to remain bachelors, or like you but not enough to choose you for a committed, long lasting relationship. If only we could tap into the mind of his therapist for his reasons for pushing away many good women who have loved him. But, the real deal is, when a guy is head over heels for a woman and loves her fully, he does not want to lose her and would rather step to the plate and commit than risk her walking out of his life. If he's willing to watch you walk away, you know it's time to kick him to the curb and keep on stepping.
Whether this guy is involved in another relationship with a girlfriend or wife, he should be off limits. Yet so many women are lured by the seduction of his words and think he'll eventually dump the other woman and choose them. They are told the other woman is a witch, mean, does not understand them, is psycho and won't leave him alone. Or, he says to you that their relationship has a lot of problems, they fight constantly, he is no longer sleeping with the girlfriend or wife, he's staying only for financial reasons or the children. The best lie of all: he's planning on divorcing or leaving his wife or girlfriend very soon, just be patient. Now, months or years are passing by and his promises are not worth the paper they were written on. Women are natural nurturers and they want to take care of other people. Many feel that they can prove that with affection, attention and caring that they are different than the other person in his life and that is what he really needs. They believe his lies. A relationship based on a deception is not one that can have a real future because if he can cheat or lie to someone else to be with you, he can also do the same thing to you in the future.
If you fool yourself into believing you are special and the exception, then you are living in a fantasy world. And the only happy ending that can come from living in an alternate reality is creating a relationship with a guy who never existed in the first place. If he truly cared about you, he'd end his other relationship before beginning one with you. Best way to avoid this scenario? Tell him to contact you once he's ended his other relationship and not a day before. And, stick to that. Don't be afraid to tell him that if he continues to contact you that you will tell his girlfriend or wife about the two of you. That fear is enough to make most taken guys run for the hills. If you find out later in the relationship that he is not single like he claimed, end it immediately and don't look back. It's called dating with integrity. If you can't end it on your own or he keeps trying to draw you back in with false promises, seek the help of a therapist to regain your strength and courage to end a toxic relationship that will only erode your self-esteem, confidence and self love. When you allow yourself to enter a relationship based on a deception where you are not his main priority, you are setting yourself up for being used. He's not into you, he's just into how he can use you to give him what he is not getting at home from the girlfriend or wife.
You Never See Him More Than a Few Days in Advance
This means he is trying to keep his schedule open in case something better comes along. The classic MO of a player. A guy who's really into you will want to keep you off the market a week to 2 weeks in advance because he can tell you're a great catch and does not want anyone else to occupy your time. If he's never available on the weekends or occasions that are reserved as date nights, know you're just a passing phase or flavor of the moment.
He Only Comes to See You Late at Night
Ah, the definition of a booty call: the guy who is too busy to see you during daylight hours but has time to swing by for a quick hook up. Unless he's a workaholic that only gets out of work at midnight, don't fall for it. Even then, he can still afford to take you out during his day off or on the weekend. If you are not seeing a guy who works crazy hours and it's just the time he sets aside to see you, then be forewarned that you have a booty call pattern on your hands. It's a way for him to get his sexual needs met and not commit to a real boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. You deserve to be taken out properly to restaurants, movies, and shows. You didn't sign up to be kept in the closet. So, make sure you let him know that by not accepting meetings that only occur behind closed doors in the A.M.
Friends with Benefits
A step up from the booty call based relationship but still not what most women want when they get involved with a guy they see a future with. A friends with benefits relationship is when
you both agree to be sex buddies with no strings attached and can both see or date other people. If you are looking for a serious relationship, don't accept or settle for this type of arrangement. He's just keeping his options open and eyes peeled for the right woman, while using you for a fun romp in the sack. He's letting you know clearly that you are not the "one" but instead are Ms. Right now until someone better comes along. Also, it's very rare that a friends with benefits arrangement does not lead to one person walking away hurt because one person always develops stronger feelings and wants to change the relationship dynamics. Why settle for a regular hook up when you can hold out for a guy who is sure about you and wants you around exclusively?
You Never Meet His Friends or Family
Some guys will wait at least 6 months or more of dating to make sure that you are someone special before letting his entourage meet you. If a guy is serious about you, he'll want everyone to know about you and will have no problem introducing you to his friends, coworkers and family. If you watch the calendar months go by and this still has not happened, you are being kept a secret and you have to wonder why. Is he really single or is he still unsure about your future together? You owe it to yourself to find out what's going on.
He Does Not Call You Back the Same Day or Answers His Phone When You Call
When a guy is really into you, he does not screen his calls for your number. He'll pick up on the first ring or call you back within hours. When you see a pattern of days going by without a return phone call, you are not high on his priority list. Basically, you are being avoided. Another sign of a player or guy who is not invested in your relationship is one who never answers the phone in your presence. If you see his phone constantly on vibrate or you visit his place and his answering machine is set to low volume or mute, he's definitely still playing the field and chatting up new women.
Internet Communication Siberia
Before, he used to spend hours chatting with you online and writing you great emails. Now you realize that not only are you blocked from his buddy list but he also does not respond to your emails. Enough said.
He's Hitting On or Hooking Up with Other Women
If you've been seeing a guy for a little while and you are hearing rumors or catching him hooking up with other women or still maintaining inappropriate contact with exes, then you know he's not ready to settle down and choose you. If he's also hitting on your friends or asking you if your friend is available to go out with him, it's a surefire way to know without a shadow of a doubt that he's not interested in being with you.
He Disappears for Days, Weeks or Months at a Time
This sign is usually self-explanatory but I cannot begin to tell you how many readers of my advice column find themselves in this predicament and think that he still is invested in their relationship and cares about them. Any guy that does not make time for you and pulls a disappearing act on you is not that into you, is seeing other people or is not ready to commit to one person. So, if you find yourself dealing with a guy who comes and goes from your life without a word, give him the boot once and for all and don't look back. Your time and energy is better spent on a guy who wants to stick around and be a part of your life.
You Are Never Invited Over to His Place
Either he is living with someone or is not invested in a relationship with you. Any guy who is interested in a woman will bring her over to his place so she can see his private sanctuary away from the daily grind.
He Never Discusses Your Future or Makes Vacation Plans
Every guy has a life before meeting you. They schedule trips with their buddies, have guys nights out and are living the bachelor life. When a relationship is getting serious and has a future or is getting serious, he'll start talking about the things he wants to do with you, places to go together and makes plans to manifest those dreams. His buddies take up less of his time and he'll put you on center stage. If he does not even bring up future plans or where he sees your relationship headed, realize that this may just be a seasonal romance.
He Encourages You to Date Other People
If he encourages you to date others and not wait around for him, it's because he does not see a future with you and wants to be free to date others as well.
He Does Not Share in the Dating Expenses
If you are the one footing the bill for all of your events and outings, the guy is only into you for what he can get out of you.
He Does Not Remember or Celebrate the Events or Dates that Matter to You
Some guys really do have a bad memory but if it's important to you, he will make a real effort to remember the big moments. They'll do whatever it takes: post it notes, birthday alarms, etc to make sure not to forget. When he does not take the time to acknowledge and celebrate your birthday, anniversary or a major event in your relationship with a gift, a call, flowers or even candy, it shows that he is just not into you. No one says he has to shell out a lot of clams to make the day special but the planning and effort to do what is within his budget and time is what counts. It's all about creativity!
The king of all signs is the silent treatment. It begins by pulling away slowly, by emotionally or physically withdrawing from the relationship. When a guy is just not interested in a future, he stops calling (if he ever called at all), changes his phone number, the visits become less and less frequent, and emotionally he has already packed his bags and booked the flight to singlesville.
If you are recognizing many of these symptoms in your guy, it's time to move on. Actions speak louder than words. If he's just not putting in the effort he used to to make your relationship work, it's time to sit up and take notice. When a guy is telling you with his words that he's not interested or ready for what you need and showing you in his actions that you are not his top priority, don't ignore the message. Hold your head up high and keep moving forward with your life, without him. Time is so precious and time waits for no one. Once it's lost, we cannot get it back. So make sure you are giving your time to men who are worth the investment. At the end of the day, it's about finding a love match that treats you right and wants to spend quality time with you. When you settle for less than that and waste your time on Mr. Wrong, you are selling yourself short on what you deserve.